Tuesday, November 15, 2011

feeling guilty..

Last week, I heard a bad news from my mom that my dad has a pulmonary emphysema.

He's been a heavy smoker for a long time and we all knew that his lungs would be bad by now, however, to hear something like that with a medical name really hurts. Plus.. my mom has been suffering Spinocerebellar Degeneration over 15 years and he is the one taking care of her at home.

What if he needs to stay in a hospital?? My mom can't stay home alone!

I have an older brother who lives about 4 hours away from them, and he is married and no kids. He or his wife could come help probably, but not sure.

When I got married and left Japan, I already felt guilty leaving my mom there. Actually I always feel guilty whenever I talk about her. Just simple question from people or even family-in-law, "How is your mom?" hurt my feelings because "she is NOT fine. I almost want to say "F you"...

And now I can't be there for both of them. What if something happens to my dad? I am far far far away from them when they are in pain. When is the last time I saw my dad's face???

The other day, I couldn't sleep because I kept thinking about horrible things that might happen and I kept crying. And around 4am, I called my parents and got to talk to them on skype and felt better after seeing their face.

They both seemed the same as usual. My dad was joking how much he had to pay for the meds and he'd rather pay for cigarette instead. ha-ha! But of course, he had quit smoking since the doctor told him about the emphysema.

Now that I have a daughter, she comes top of everything. She is the center of my life.
I am still breastfeeding her sometimes, so I can't just leave her here with my husband. My husband and I made a rule that we don't let her cry by herself when she was born. We've always entertained her or get her interest in something else when she cry for something she can't have... I've never had anyone watch her besides my husband and even with him, 2 hours max. (I know.. it will be so hard for me to let her go to school..)
Anyways, I will have to fly back with her and it will make my parents happy but it'll be too hard to take care of three of them...

My husband was very thoughtful that he told me that if they really need our help, we could move back there and live with them for couple months. Even a year if we had to.

I am very very lucky to have such a wonderful husband and a precious daughter. :)

Okay, let's get back to optimistic topic!!

Tomorrow is Anthro sale and the Black Friday is almost here!! (10 more days!!)
Do you have anything you want to get???

I think I will go check out the store tomorrow morning for some boots sales!!


 Dress: Anthroplogie (ebay)
Vest: Anthropologie (Marshalls :P)
Boots: Steve Madden
Top & Scarf: Japan

I have been searching "washable" Anthro dresses and skirts from old seasons and this is one of the dress I found!


  1. I understand what you mean! My parents are 3000 miles away from me and my father's health is declining. I want to be closer. I bought the dress you are wearing (it's called Double Breasted Shirtdress) on 2nd cut in Jan 2011 but sadly still haven't worn it yet.

  2. I'm so sorry to hear about your dad and mom's condition.こういう時に日本とアメリカの距離が憎く感じてしまうよね。私も父が一人暮らしで糖尿病を患っているので、何か起きたらどうしよう、、と不安になる事が多々あるので、気持ちがとても分かります。お子ちゃんがいるとそう簡単に帰れないし、、親が年老いて行くと色々と大変になって来ますが、お父さんお母さんの為にも気を落とさないで頑張ってね!!

  3. I read your blog often, and love your style. I was sad to see your post about your parents. I totally understand, as I also have elderly parents, and my dad has early onset Alzheimer's. It is very difficult being stuck in the middle. Like you said, having a supportive husband is amazing. I'm sure he and your family will be a strong support network for you.

  4. thanks for the sweet comments!!